7 Wacky Coffee Table Books

June 18, 2015

7 Wacky Coffee Table Books

Coffee table books are supposed to be sophisticated displays of art, fashion or gastronomy - not these guys. These books are for when you want to make guests laugh out loud before making groaning noises at semen recipes, poop facts, kinky language and blasphemy. 

1. K is for Knifeball: An Alphabet of Terrible Advice

A hilarious collection of terrible advice, all in alphabetical order for your child to learn the alphabet while getting ideas on how to bring about chaos, pain (tape a knife to the ball for looots of fun) and destruction! Ok, it's definitely not for children, but it's perfect for black humor loving adults to laugh out loud and amuse their guests who pick up the book.


 2. Unicorns Are Jerks: a coloring book exposing the cold, hard, sparkly truth

My Little Pony is a bunch of lies, lies I tell ya! The adorable friendship-loving fa?ade they try to put up is all a sham, instead they're jerks who fart in elevators, eat all your fries without getting their own and they're terrible houseguests who eat all your leftovers! Gah!

When you get sick enough of reading (and coloring in) their shenanigans, you can take your revenge by having a nice unicorn meat dinner. Take that, you sparkly jerks!


3. Games You Can Play with Your Pussy

It's a known fact that verybody should have a pussy (there's a chapter on the benefits of having one), but you should know they're a little hard to handle so it's good to know how to deal with them. You should definitely learn a few games to play that will keep them content and you're in luck, this book is filled with games, instructions, warnings, everything you need to know to have a happy pussy. Chapters include Sleeping with Your Pussy, How to Eat With Your Pussy, Disciplining Your Pussy, How to Handle A Hot Pussy, Pussy Pong and others. Absolutely perfect for pussy lovers.


4. Dancing with Jesus: Featuring a Host of Miraculous Moves

You knew Jesus was a talented carpenter, but did you know he's got the moves? Recently archeologists discovered a book where one of the apostles documented Jesus' victory dances after every miracle and it turns out he was miraculous at it too! This book will have Jesus show you moves like the Water Walk, the Temptation Tango, the Judas Hustle, and The Apostolic Conga. Perfect for a fun night with feisty Christians.


5. 50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes with Balls!

The mighty hen has taken a lot of space in our kitchens lately and we have almost forgotten about the majestic cock! The tough and strong cock makes for some finger-licking recipes if handled right and this book will show you steamy recipes, hard techniques and a hands-on approach for complete culinary satisfaction. Who knew roosters could be so delicious and cookbooks so dirty?

Let them eat cock!


6. Everybody Poops 410 Pounds a Year: An Illustrated Bathroom Companion for Grown-Ups

After you've had some delicious cock for dinner, you'll probably have to visit the porcelain throne. Forget browsing your phone and try some appropriate literature that will give you the cold and hard (and fun) facts on pooping - you'll find out why why you can see corn in your poop but not other foodstuff, you'll learn if you can light your poop on fire and find out interesting tidbids like how the Nazis, suffering from dysentery in WWII, used to eat camel dung for the natural antibiotics or that President Johnson used to hold meetings while he was dropping a deuce.

It goes great on the coffee table with a strong cup of coffee and the weirdest snacks known to man (like, say, Lime Lamb Salad Souffle).


7. Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes

Despite being a versatile, perfectly organic ingredient and common around every home or restaurant (so pretty much abundant), for some reason semen is passed over when preparing new and exciting dishes. No more! In this book you will learn what are semen's delighful cooking properties and how to prepare creamy and delicious meals, fit for every occasion. And luckily, coming up with the ingredients will be a piece of cake!

If you know any other wacky books you'd like to share, please write about them in the comments section!

Yours truly and slightly queasy,