The Annoying Day To Day Struggles Of Zombies
October 27, 2014
Welp, you're a zombie now. You were probably a cool survivor with a gun for a while there, but you got bitten or eaten and here we are. After you get used to becoming a vicious brain-eating murderer, you think of the terror you're going to cause and you're excited about the thrill that every movie ever shows you will have!
But nothing has prepared you for the irritating struggles of day to day life as a zombie.
Lunch! If only you could catch it... - Photo source
You're a predator, you have to hunt your prey so you can feast on its brains. You're like a lion carefully stalking a gazelle, thinking of how to catch it and disable it and turn into lunch!
Except in most zombie worlds you're about as slow as a turtle. It's hard to catch a prey that can run 8 or 10 mph when you can merely drag your feet, at most shuffle towards your victim - your prey can have a sandwich while sprinting around you and making munching noises. Your only hope is having them trapped in a room, but getting them there is another bother because you're slow in the head department as well - what, you thought your brain is safe from rotting?
So after a long day of slithering around fooling yourself you're "hunting", you want to recharge your batteries and go sleep somewhere, right?
11 months worth of dark circles - Photo credit
Wrong! Zombies don't sleep. Must be why they're so groggy all the time, they always look like most of us do before we've had our first coffee of the day. So if you're a very tired zombie and would love a bit of sleep to give you your much needed rest ? NOPE. Sorry. Silly zombie, sleep is for the living.
Then again, you can't be bothered with cold, heat or pain of any kind, so you have an advantage over those pesky survivors who need shelter from the elements.
Using the toilet
...You're cleaning that up, right? - Photo source
Hey, do you feel full, would you like to use the bathroom? Careful, or your arm will detach while you try to wipe and you'll have to use that to scrub the toilet. Remember, you don't heal like the living, if you get a hole anywhere in your body, it stays there until you completely rot away.
If you can't use a toilet like civilized beings, when you go, you have to go standing - and you know what that means. You'll need to take a shower.
Yeah, that blood will come off with the chest too - Photo credit
Q: What do you call a leper in a bath?
A: A stew.
Zombies are no different. You're probably thinking of taking a nice hot bath and getting rid of the brain parts you scattered on yourself while eating for the past 3 weeks. Do that, no problem, you'll definitely smell less if you leave a leg, two arms and most of your colon in the bath tub.
You can't wash your clothes without risking leaving a few fingers in the sink, so you're stuck wearing dirty clothes until you find some clean clothes to change in. That is if you can, because you're decomposing and have no hand-eye coordination, perfect conditions for leaving body parts behind after changing into new pants.
- You're decomposing.
- You're covered in decomposing meat from your meals.
- You can't bathe or wash your clothes.
= You reek, you can definitely feel it and you're stuck smelling your horrid odor every waking moment until the day you completely decompose. A future to look forward to.
Actually, this could improve D&D sessions - Photo source
You can rarely eat, you can't sleep, then what the hell do you do with all that spare time? Since you're part of the zombie apocalypse and the world is nothing like we know it, most likely there's no television or internet, no plays, no concerts.
But you can read! If you still remember how to read that is, if you have at least a functional eye and you're careful not to spill drool, blood or flesh parts all over the pages while you read.
Or you can play board games with your fellow undead - the few who have some brains left, who haven't lost too many limbs and organs and who try to keep their fluids contained.
So many requirements, so few suitable candidates! Try the living then. They'll surely be thrilled to play Cards Against Humanity with you.
Going from place to place
Driving with your neck bent like that ensures your running into the nearest tree - Photo credit
"Traveling" seems like too strong of a word for what you're doing now.
The city you're in is disappointing - there are too many obstacles, too many places for the living to hide and sometimes they drive their cars into you and laugh at your kidneys splattered all over the road. Somewhere over the rainbow might be better where the living are slower, the dead ends for them to run into are more numerous and the land is flat! Kansas maybe? But how to get there?
Cars are plenty since the living ended up in your stomach, just sit in the driver's seat and drive somewhere. But wait! You can't remember what to do with that round thing in front of you, who knows why the pedals don't work if you randomly step on them and your left arm just detached and fell under the car seat. Damn it.
So driving is off the list. Biking and swimming are off too, since your hand-eye coordination is worse than a drunk monkey's, and even if you were a pilot when you were alive, a dog would fly it better than you could now. All you have left is limping from place to place, which means your chance of traveling the world and sampling Asian brains can be erased from your bucket list.
Overall, being a zombie kind of blows. So you know what to do - don't turn into one.
If instead you're one of the lucky survivors, you might need The Zombie Survival Guide to help you get rid of the undead menace - or just drop them into a hole somewhere until they intoxicate with their own stench.
Yours still kicking,